GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE FEBRUARY 6, 1998

IN CONCERT

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| HEAVEN IS COMING TO AMERICA.

THE HEAVEN TOUR

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Thursday, February 19th BOGART'S (Front Room)

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Send your most romantic thoughts on Valentine's Day, February 14th.

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BIG TIPS

Now you know why you got that five from Uncle Joe

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone "I smell sex and candy . . ." Oh, excuse me. I'm writing with my Walkman on, because my little filly is watching TV, which I find impossibly distracting unless I can drown it out. Fortunately, I'm the biggest radio junkie ever.

What's not to love about a product you can fish out of the air for free? And the best radio by far is public radio: Specifically, waking up to public radio on my alarm clock. I love the way the news sneaks its tendrils into my dreams as I drag myself up through fourteen layers of sleep. How else would I have had a chance to give the pope a piece of my mind on his recent trip to Cuba?

Dear Big Tipper,

Do you think it's fair to have to buy presents for more and more nieces and nephews every year, when I'll never have children myself?

Dear Poor You,

Poor Uncle

Yes. After all, when you signed that contract that sealed the deal with your parents, you should have read the small print. There's always something in there about contractual obligation to recognize and produce goods for all federal, religious and personal holidays traditionally celebrated by the family, and not just the immediate circle. Of course, it's kind of sneaky for parents to push that pen in our hand as we slip out the ol' birth canal, but why should it surprise us that they actually had a legal leg to stand on when they insisted we finish our green beans?

Familial present-buying has never had anything to do with what's fair. As adults, though, we can negotiate some sort of reasonable deal with family members based on income and the logistics of an ever-burgeoning population of sibling offspring.

If it's too much to afford or remember to buy birthday presents, just talk to the sibs, and say you'll do one big annual holiday gift for each of them, but not on birthdays. Or phone calls, but not presents. Some families just exchange presents for kids, but not grownups. Most kids, at least when they're young, don't instinctively expect presents from people with whom they don't live, so they shouldn't be too hostile.

Logistically, though, all of a sudden it will become clear why you always got those envelopes with a crispy five from Uncle Joe. And a six-year-old may be the last person in your life who'll actually be thrilled to receive a dollar bill for each year of her age.

Ultimately, you're just reminding them that you know they exist and you love them, so get a big box of cheap cards and stop being so crusty.

Dear Big Tipper,

My girlfriend really loves to groom me. She likes to clip my fingernails and toenails, and pluck any stray chin hairs, although there really aren't that many.

The point where my comfort with this stops is with her squeezing my pimples. I really don't want her doing it, and I can feel her looming over me at times, eyeing any big ones. I've noticed that other lovers seem to consider this acceptable. Am I being uptight, or do you think this is a reasonable line to draw?

Dear Pop in the Name of Love,

In a Pinch

What could provide more hours of amusement than poking at our bodies: ripping off a scratchy callous, picking at a crackled scab, relentlessly hunting down and eliminating those pesky blackheads?

I can only imagine that these bodily propensities were a genetic response to an inherent need for free and immediate entertainment. Therefore, it can be a crazy-making hell for anyone to have the misfortune to have run through their own attributes to examine and prod. My sister used to bite her nails, and when she had chewed off all of hers, woe to anyone watching TV on the couch next to her. Before you knew it, she'd have your hand, and it would be on its way into her gnawing maw. When you noticed and recoiled, she'd beg.

"Please? Just one? Mine are all gone." Then, of course, you'd have to wrestle her off the couch... it would get pretty ugly.

One of the great joys in life is squeezing your own pimples. And having anyone else do it can be like having someone else put glasses on your face: It's never quite as right as if you'd done it yourself.

However, being intimate with someone means allowing inroads into your personal space, and cleaning and grooming chums and lovers is a traditional way of justifying a little extra physical contact. If you can't bear her squeezing the Charmin, offer her something else exciting, like cleaning out your ears with a Q-tip. Good luck.

Please keep sending your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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